This has nothing to do with what I've been doing recently, but what I've been reading. I've been re-reading 'The Handmaid's Tale', and had forgotten how good it is. I'm almost at the end and for some reason it's making me feel really sad. It's a funny old book, such a stark commentary on the human psyche and how we as humans behave in extraordinary circumstances.
It got me thinking, if it were real, what part would I play in the new world it describes? What part would people I know play? The people I love? How would I cope and feel and act if I were the handmaid? I think I probably would be a handmaid, and not an 'econowife' or wife of a Commander, or a 'Martha'. Here is why.
I know I'm fertile. God knows, my best friend calls me her Valkyrie woman, big, strong, fertile. I have two beautiful girls - who would be taken from me if the book were real life, and I don't think I'd handle that very well - and I fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. Perfect fertile soil to take the part of a handmaid. And I almost certainly wouldn't be allowed to do anything else, I'm too risky, my past too fraught with indiscretions. I feel sick writing this, but here goes. I've been pregnant lots of times, have had a few confirmed miscarriages and at least as many not officially confirmed as I was too early. Always it's sad, always it's hard, always it hurts. Undoubtedly it's worse by far for the women who lose them further on, or at full term - as happens often in the world of the book. I know people who have suffered this. Would they be handmaids too, forced to endure this over and over?
Worse than this is my next admission. I've had a termination. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, the worst thing I've ever willingly done, the most difficult decision I ever made, the most guilt inducing and heartbreaking thing I ever did. Made much worse by the fact that I don't regret it, but feel sad about it every single time I think of it. It was the best thing to do at the time, regrettable but sensible. This doesn't stop me feeling sick with rage and frustration that I had to face that choice. I was in a relationship, fairly settled, using TWO forms of contraception (that shows how bloody fertile I am) and none the less I was faced with terminating something I wanted desperately, but not in the current situation, and doing something which I'd always said I never would. To think that some people use abortion as a form of contraception! I don't judge people who have abortions, but I do judge people who do it lightly or repeatedly. I know I'll never do it again.
I have two children to different fathers, neither of whom are my current partner. This makes life complicated, but I resent people assuming I must be a slag or stupid or easy or lighthearted about such matters. I never expected or wanted to be in this position, I just made some bad choices and was sometimes a vicitm of circumstance. Such a cliche. Sometimes I think I AM merely a cliche, but so be it. I'm proud of where I am now, and the life the kittens and I have together. My boyfriend is wonderful, but I was happy before I met him anyway. I love the fact that someday he and the kittens and I will live together and be a family, whole, complete, happy, but I knew before I met him that we, the kittens and I, were all of these things anyway. I needed all my past experiences to learn this, and to learn to be alone before I could know what I wanted and be willing to give up my independence.
This leads me back nicely to the book. I wouldn't be allowed to be an 'econowife' because of my 'illicit past'. I'm fruitful enough to be a handmaid, used and abused to reproduce at anothers whim, while everyone I loved was taken away from me for what ever means suited the greater good. If the book was real, as in some places and times it has been, to an extent, imagine how these women must feel?! The book is largely a social commentary, and it makes you wonder, if your life was different due to geography or timing, who or what would you be? I know people who would be an 'econowife', a 'Martha', a Commander. Everyone knows someone who, given the chance, would be a spy. Or some bully who would perfectly suit being an 'Eye' or 'Guardian'. A woman so self righteous and mean that she'd make the perfect 'Aunt'. Someone happy with domesticity who would end up being a downtrodden servant. The 'perfect' nuclear family that would become a Commander and his wife, with or without a handmaid to bear children for them.
Reading the book I see people I know in the characters and roles. I foresee how we would be if the world were different. I feel sad reading it thinking about my past, but thankful for everything I have and happy that it's not real. But if it were real, or the world were something like it, what role would you take?
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