Watching 'Definitely Maybe' with my 10 year old kitten. Little kitten is away visiting her Great Nana (sob!) so we decided to watch a chick flick, which ultimately led to endless questions and a long conversation about my previous relationships and youthful encounters. Now, I believe strongly in being honest with my children, but also that there are some things they don't need to know yet/ever... depending how personal it is. I like my kids to have an honest, rounded view of their mother, so they can make an informed opinion based on their own judgements. People WILL make judgements, and form opinions, and this includes children. Obviously I want their view of me to be pleasant and positive but by 10 years old I assume Big Kitten has realised I'm not as shiney and wondrous as she once thought, so I don't mind her knowing that I've made mistakes, and I don't mind her knowing some of them. I wouldn't want her knowing the details and intricacies of my previous sexual encounters, and I certainly didn't tell her my 'Magic Number' (I'm not telling you either, but let's just say it's more than my closest friend and less than my bloke).
Now, amongst my 'mistakes' - a term I dislike as I regret very little - there were at least two abusive relationships. One very violent, short lived, and heartbreaking as I thought I adored him. One long term, emotionally abusive on a scale I'd never previously imagined, and much more scarring than the former. Both of these are firmly dealt with and have little or no effect on my life now.
Too many flings to count. Dates between 1 and say... 15, are counted in the fling category. These people rarely if ever met le kittens, although some did purely on a friend basis as almost everybody I have ever been involved with has previously been a friend/acquaintance. I say 'too many to count' but what I really mean is 'Can't be arsed to count'. Probably about 5 to 7 I'd imagine. And to be clear, most of these were not sexual.
Breaking my friends heart when we were teenagers was pretty gruesome, I regret that. Jason was my college sweetheart, now one of my best friends. Don't regret ending it, but strongly regret kissing another boy, telling him, ending it, making up, fucking it up again and finishing him due to guilt etc. right before his 18th... which was not the best night ever! I cried 'cos Radioheads' 'Freak' played in the pub, he cried 'cos I couldn't love him, there was too much booze, vomit, tears and stumbles generally, but looking back, that's the way to celebrate an 18th memorably and in style, innit?!
Cheating: The Big Bad Meany of relationships. I have been cheated on numerous times, but then they were all fuckwits and didn't deserve me, so their loss. My cheating consists of: kissing another boy when I was with Jason (see above), another similar issue many years later, and one other memorable occasion: the only time I have properly cheated - but I have no remorse. In a nutshell, I wanted to break up with a fuckwit who'd cheated on me for like, the millionth time, he said think about it this weekend, I said no, he said please, I said maybe, I found out he'd slept with another girl so I reciprocated... VERY childish I know, but also lots of fun, and I'm afraid I just don't regret it. Dumped his ass on the monday as planned...
Biggest relationship regret goes back to the first point. Staying in an abusive relationship. I stayed in my last long term relationship for approximately two years too long. At least. This is the ultimate regret, probably the only genuine one. The rest all taught me stuff. This relationship taught me stuff but it almost killed me. NEVER again.
There are probably loads of other mistakes I've made, and I'd like to point out that not all of the above was mentioned to my kitten this evening for obvious reasons! Some small ones I did allude to included my involvement with an unfortunate amount of blokes that turned out to be gay, a few brief flings that finished due to my realising that they were mental cases, and some of the reasons my main relationships didn't work out: ie incompatability on a large scale, them cheating on me, and the fact they turned out to be my best mate... so I guess in some ways I got lucky. Finally found my Prince Charming, and on the hunt I found a boy best friend & a few good mates who I happen to have snogged. I'd like to dedicate this one to Jason, who's heart I broke, Danielle, who mended it for him, and Andy, the man that lived up to expectations...
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