Let us eat cake.

Hola! It is becoming obvious that I use this blog as a therapeutic device and purging tool. I only write it when I have something I want off my chest, or feel the need to share. Well...

Recently I've been a mess and my friends and family are beginning to worry, including my children unfortunately. So, to set minds at rest, as I know at least some of my closest friends read this so will gain a little insight, here is what is wrong with me. I am crazy.

To clarify, I have been a bit crazy most of my life, a lot crazy a few years ago, markedly less so in recent years, and on the full throttle journey to crazy land once again right now. More clarification. I don't mean that irritating and inane type of crazy in which teenagers, youngsters and muppets go "I'm proper craaaaazy me! I am wild! There is nobody else like me, 'cos I AM TOTALLY MAD me like!" (Yuck. Sure I will have said that once or twice. Shamefully.)
     I am actually a wee bit bonkers. Have suffered on and off for years with Manic Depression, Bi-Polar, or what ever you wana call it, as well as 'Aggravated Depression' and a 'Personality Disorder'. All diagnosed officially, in the loony bin, I might add. I feel absolutely no shame in this. My psychiatrist (and many friends) have often said to me that it's no surprise I was depressed. I had quite a shit life really. Not as bad as some, but definitely a lot worse than others. However what it boils down to is that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, just as some of you might have a predisposition to ear infections, stomach bugs or migraines. Sadly, my illness is invisible and sometimes makes me want to kill myself. That's quite unfortunate really as I quite like being alive.

The last time I was notably ill was 6 years ago, when Post Natal Depression triggered my problems once more. Not that they'd been particularly dormant - I'd had a stint in the loony bin, came home, got pregnant the same day (yes I know, marvellous timing there Kat), suffered through the pregnancy with panic attacks, my friends baby died, then she died, then I had my baby and went a bit 'Waaaaahhhh!' I don't actually find this that surprising, but hey ho.
     Since then my mental health has got steadily better. I felt I had conquered my depression. I was sure I had found the magic key and was on the road to recovery and knew how to control my mental health problems and blah dee blah blah blah. What I had not accounted for was that sometimes, when life is hard, and it coincides with a dip in my serotonin levels (or some other sciencey bit about my brain), I just can't cope. My brain and indeed body cannot cope with the pressure. Add to this, of course, that I now have M.E. and we have a beautiful combination which basically means I'm f***ed. Temporarily I hope!
   
 So, recently, as in, the last 9 months or so, my brother was beaten almost to death (and those responsible since got off on a technicality); my Mam had lung cancer; my childhood best friends Mam (who I adored) died; my daughter started secondary school and many issues (mostly but not exclusively typical pre-teen things) stemmed from this sudden change; I got a new boyfriend, (and was subsequently reminded how complicated relationships can be, and the effect they can have on your other relationships); have had issues with friends; am desperate to go back to work but can find nothing suitable around my illness; have had my benefits cut (because yes! I am your horrible typical 'benefit scrounger', robbing the state and falsely claiming millions of pounds off our government and country and all those who can be bothered to work!) and some of my benefits stopped, leaving me with mountains of extra paperwork and appeals and stress and worry, juggling the money I do get... so, actually, looking at it objectively, it's not all that surprising that I'm struggling a bit.
     Allow me to point out, I do realise I'm incredibly lucky, and there are people in much worse situations. But every person has their own load to carry, and recently I'm struggling with mine. I feel unsupported by those I need the most, I feel I am constantly battling to keep those relationships I care most about on an even keel. I feel very much that I am dealing with everything alone and I can no longer manage without crying every day. I have cried myself to sleep most nights recently. I pop to the loo to have a little weep at least a few times a day. I cry at everything on the telly. Basically, I cry at the slightest provocation. I'm also very highly stressed and angry. I'm the person I was 10 years ago, and again 7 years ago, which was when my mental health issues peaked...

The point is, this is not me. My mental health problems create a version of me which over the years I have learned to recognise and deal with. I know the signs, symptoms, triggers and treatments for my illness. The problem is, currently, some of the stuff I need to do to get better is just not possible.
    I need to have calm, balance and stability to get better. Not always strictly possible, when in a new relationship with someone unused to this side of you, with a pre-teen in the house, and with life in general! Also, I need a sense of self fulfillment and achievement. I'm massively struggling with this recently as I'm neither working nor studying, my volunteer work doesn't feel like enough (yet sometimes feels like too much), and I'm just a bit lost. Ideas on a post card please. I also need medication, which I recently got, but I admit has been hit and miss so I'm going to sort that out.
     Another problem is the Catch 22 of my craziness affecting my relationships versus the stresses of my relationships exacerbating my illness. I don't want to go into too much detail on here, but let's just say I'm fighting a lot with those closest to me, and some of it is the result of their behaviour, some of it is due to my inability to deal with situations in a way I normally would, some of it is my moodiness recently, and yet more of it is a combination of all the above... and I just don't know how or where to start unravelling.
     I also need fresh air and exercise and a lot of support and talking and sociability and to keep busy and to burn off my nervous energy in healthy ways and keep my mind occupied and... and... and PRETTY MUCH ALL OF THESE THINGS THEN MAKE ME PHYSICALLY ILL due to my M.E.

So we reach one of my core issues. Most of the things I need to do to maintain my mental health are things which now make me physically unwell, and most of the things which I need to do to maintain my physical health can trigger my depression and/or are key elements which can be detrimental to my recovery from a period of depression. As an example, I need to keep busy mentally and be physically active in a recovery period during and after a bout of depression - however too much activity, mental or physical, will almost certainly make me very ill due to my M.E.

So now, not only do I feel very much that I am fighting, alone, for all of my relationships which are crumbling around me, I am daily deciding whether to put my physical or mental health first. Hrumph. Does seem a tad unfair.
     However, for all I feel that I am alone, I know that is not the case. There is a significant difference between what one thinks and what one feels. Usually when I notice that my feelings differ to my thought processes I can work out why and deal with it. I may be hormonal or tired or being irrational. The point is, a little clear thinking often sorts me out. Recently I struggle to make these differentiations, which is often the case when I'm depressed. What I have re-discovered the last week or so, and particularly the last day or 2, is that my friends are amazing, and I'm not alone. Tomorrow there is a cacophony of friends heading over, so I shall have tea and cake at the ready. Some of these friends are having a harder time than me, so I imagine we will eat the most cake and cry into our tea together. Others are just coming to gossip, some for a hug, still more for a long overdue catch up. All are coming because we have some kind of bond and those bonds are what sustain us when times are tough, and what make life even lovelier when it's not so tough.

To all the friends who have had a kind word recently, it's more appreciated and has helped more than I can explain. To those closest to me who have or are helping me, I love you.

Now, let us eat cake.